Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I grew up. Suddenly I have all these responsibilities on my shoulders. When did that happen? I’m here now, realizing I have taken my childhood for granted. I want it back. Adulthood is a lonely, scary place. How the hell did I get here?
I look around, and everyone else seems to be doing just fine. They don’t have it easy. Hell, some of them have it even harder. They’re all so courageous. They are survivors. Maybe I am too. I’m still here. I’m right here. If life were a battlefield, I’d be one of those soldiers who survives peeing in their pants. Or the ones who go a little nuts. People are built different. I just wish I was more. I wish I was fearless.
I remember in sunday school we were thought that God loves us very much. He is our best friend. He will never leave us, He is always with us no matter what. That we should never feel alone because He is our rock. When I was that kid I don’t remember worrying about anything because I knew God is with me. I felt so safe and my faith gave me strength.
I guess things got complicated as I grow older because things aren’t as simple and happy as they were in sunday school. Life is tough, and as time goes by I get to feel its lashes. When I get really helpless I talk to the walls hoping God will listen, hoping it would change something. I never feel any better, it just makes me feel more alone.
I wanna believe again. I wanna feel like I can count on my God again. I wanna feel like I have someone with me, watching over me, and I’m never alone. I wanna feel like with God, I can overcome any obstacles in my path. I do, I really want to. I wanna be that kid again. I need to be that kid again.
I don’t wanna be here. It sickens me that I’m here

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