Monday, December 05, 2011

I hate myself. Every piece of me.

“There’s nothing worse than the things you feel, the numbness spreading through your body at night. the soundless screams fill up your head as nightmares take over the world in your mind”
I hate how I feel about myself. I feel empty, I feel fat(I am fat), I feel confused with my own feelings, I feel hurt, I feel numb, I feel tired, I feel like I’m only temporary to certain people. I don’t feel like me. No, it’s not that nobody appreciates me. Yes, I know my best friend do. But you know that sucky feeling? When you have no one to turn to? Well I do have someone to turn to. Yet I do not know where to start and how to start. There fore, I’m always bottling up my stuffs. I know that’s not good well this is the reason why people have blogs. And my blog is public. It’s not I’m trying to gain fame or whatsoever shit. I am just trying to find somewhere to rant and I hope I’m not the only person feeling this way. I shouldn’t. I can’t. I don’t deserve it. I am a fat load and I disgust myself. I hate looking into the mirror. I take up too much space. I am a waste. I am truly unhappy. I guess I am putting on such a good act that even I myself don’t know when I’m truly happy anymore. It sucks. I am not trying to gain sympathy or whatsoever. God, I’m feeling so paranoid right now and I do not know why. Fucking hate this feeling so bad. It’s like, I really want to go to the fucking kitchen and grab a knife and you know stab myself. But oh well, I do not have the courage to do so. So, I’ll continue living. Remember when I said I was fine? Yes. I am fine. I do not know how to explain this but do you guys actually know that feeling when you yourself know you’re alright but somehow somewhere there’s this awful feeling stuck in your heart? For me, it’s not about love nor friendship nor family. It’s something in my heart that refuse to let me open up and throw it away farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away. It’s terrible. I know someday, I’ll manage to find what’s going on in my heart. Or maybe it’s my mind? I’m so tired. Tired of yelling, being sad, pretending, being alone, being angry, feeling crazy, feeling stuck, needing help, remembering, missing things, being different, missing people, feeling worthless, feeling empty inside, wishing I could start all over again, dreaming of a life I will never have, I’m just tired of being fucking tired.

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